The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
