They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
