I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
