good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
