"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That was an excessively violent trivia night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
