I accidentally burped into my bong.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
