theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As shirtless as possible
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
