I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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