We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
