John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
