Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am naked and annoyed.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
