Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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