Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
