Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
