Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
