I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
