I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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