goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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