I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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