Don't make out with my wife yet
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
