Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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