i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
