i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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