I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
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why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...