I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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