What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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