What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
