The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
