the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
