If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
