hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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