I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
