It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
