Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
