I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
