soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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