I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
