I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
