so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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