Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
