You made me cry and you don't even care
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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