How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
