I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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