Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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