i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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