Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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