anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
