He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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