I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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