i love accidental penises.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
