No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.