I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed