I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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