I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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