btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
