she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
