Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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