I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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