he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
